Friday Joke

[GT/CS S Code]

The Barman ....

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent .....'

'One Cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Lovemaking tips for seniors ....

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in
bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra Poli-Grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(Notice I sent it in large type so you can read it) .

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Advice from Jim ....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it outover two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[Mosesatm]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

[joedls]

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.
I said, Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?

I responded, I guess not. What do you have in mind?
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.
Ok, I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Arthur's golf game ....

Arthur is 95 years old, and he's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking very downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went!"

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, drives the ball down the course, and then squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see where the ball went?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

To which the brother-in-law answers, "Sorry, I can't remember ......"

 

[GT/CS S Code]

One for the golf fans ....

Top Ten Best Caddy Retorts

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off."

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The flight attendant ....

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself ... "Nope, not Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United Airlines slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman savagely turns on him and says, "What the hell do you want you jerk?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said .... "Ahhh, Air Canada!"

:wink:

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Silent Treatment ....

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not well equipped for these kinds of contests .... :wink:

 

[p51]

BridgeStone and Squirrel

Here is one of the best/funniest commercials that was shown during the SuperBowl this year (just in case you missed it as I did)...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3-d24x3bPe0

And its about cars... or at least tires...

 

[Mustanger]

Car Breakdown ...

There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, "What do you think?"

"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."

 

[CougarCJ]

That reminds me of when I had jury service a few years ago. :grin:

We are all in the jury box doing the jury selection, the guy next to me states that he is an engineer for the Union Pacific RR. The defense attorney thinking that he was pretty smart, began a line of questioning about whether the juror was a civil engineer or a design engineer, structural engineer or what type of engineer that he was.
The guy next to me in a total mocking tone of voice said. "None of those, I drive the Choo-choo."

True story, even the judge couldn't hold back the snickering.

 

[Mustanger]

The Wrong Way ...

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

 

[Mosesatm]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk,,,,, who is really happy to see you!

 

[GT/CS S Code]

Department of Water representative ....

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out ..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

 

[Mustanger]

"This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other.
Like, you can't criticize Hillary. Ooh, that's sexism. You can't criticize Barack. Ooh, that's racism. And you can't go after McCain, because that's elder abuse." - Jay Leno

 

[Mosesatm]

Restroom Signs

RESTROOM SIGNS


Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE


Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC


If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her nonsense.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC


At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg , AZ


Make love, not war. Hell, do both - GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT


If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .


If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington , DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ


You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s , CA


No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s , CA


A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

 

[p51]

RESTROOM SIGNS

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

Here's some graffiti I recall reading in the library stacks written in the study carrels...

"God is dead"
- Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead"
- God

...and from someone who was clearly studying very late in the stacks...

"God didnt create the world in seven days. He partied six and pulled an all-nighter"
- Anon

Finally, a latin saying on a sorority crest in the dining hall...
"Semper ubi sub ubi" (decode hint: "ubi" is "where" in Latin)

 

[GT/CS S Code]

A short joke ....

Nominated as best short joke of the year ......

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied ....

 

[GT/CS S Code]

The Baptist Cowboy ...

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'