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Friday Joke

p51

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Aug 2, 2005
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NorCal
Chad Vader

Kicking off the Friday funnies with a very clever video... enjoy...

Life is hard when you're Darth Vader's less-talented, less-charismatic younger brother and you manage a grocery store. Just click on the link below.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0
 

joedls

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Mar 12, 2005
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Location
Lake Forest, CA
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??

 

Mustanger

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Mar 17, 2005
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Location
So Cal
Like an Old Salt

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"
 

still looking for one

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Apr 26, 2006
Messages
201
Understanding engineers:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections". the last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste dump through a recreational area?'

Jim B.
 

Mustanger

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Mar 17, 2005
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So Cal
Pirate's Wounds

... with all of the pirate craze going on (my little guy loves it) everywhere, even here,

http://www.californiaspecial.com/forums/showthread.php?p=28901#post28901

... I thought a good pirate joke would be fun ... AAARRRRR !!! ...:


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
 

still looking for one

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Messages
201
Understanding engineers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes". The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".

(dramatic pause)

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime". The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Jim B
 

Mustanger

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still looking for one said:
Understanding engineers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes". The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".

(dramatic pause)

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime". The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Jim B

Haha, that's a good one ... and I can say that because I'm an engineer ... it's good to able to laugh at yourself ...
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Another engineer joke. Sort of.....



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a little bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
 

Mustanger

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Mosesatm said:
Another engineer joke. Sort of.....



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a little bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

... I've heard that one too, it has some truth in it, no doubt ...
 

Mustanger

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Here's one:

Q: How do you double the value of a Pinto?

A: Fill it with gas!
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Security levels have been raised around the world.

ENGLAND
The British are feeling concerned in relation to today's events and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of London in 1666.

FRANCE
The French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire in Toulouse caused by rioters that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

GERMANY
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "invade a neighbor" and "lose".
 

p51

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Mosesatm said:
Security levels have been raised around the world.

ENGLAND
The British are feeling concerned in relation to today's events and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'.....
Really enjoyed this one. Very funny :thumb:
 

Mustanger

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... it's Friday again ...

Careful what you wish

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
 
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