Friday Joke

[Mosesatm]

My garage isn't rocked so I can't hang the sign! Fixing that problem may be a project for this winter.

[Mosesatm]

Funeral humor.

[Mosesatm]

All stores should offer this service!

[Mosesatm]

This is so true!

[Mosesatm]

Here are a few more.

[Mosesatm]

And for those of you who have never met Rob.

[p51]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW8iAVwt_Yc

[CougarCJ]

Nice, couple of new ones.

Along those lines is a series of videos bashing GM commercials. Google "Chevrolet" and "Mahk".

[GT/CS S Code]

It's not Friday, but ...

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from President Reuven Rivlin, the leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Rivlin wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hands.
“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal and then ask him to play Mr. Rivlin as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made, and of course, Jack Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, "said Nicklaus.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
“So there’s bad news?" asked the Pope.
“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

[GT/CS S Code]

And another ...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[GT/CS S Code]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

[GT/CS S Code]

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue."
The man replies, "Listen, I can't get the window open ... and that's a maintenance issue."

[GT/CS S Code]

A father texts his son: My Dear Son, Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father

His Son texts back: Thanks Dad, but the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!

His Father replies: Yes, I know …

[GT/CS S Code]

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it. Friends visited for the quiet and the fishing.

The engineer however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole and a new pair of shoes, and was all set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. It was a great way to spend a hot afternoon.

The engineer and his family had been enjoying the cabin for years, and went out early in the spring. It had been a very wet winter, with lots of rain afterwards. When they arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual amount of current flowing.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, even though his wife thought it was too dangerous. He was a good swimmer however, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless. He hit the water in good form, but he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in debris on the side of the stream.

It was a sad end for the engineer. His family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to
the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted an electrical engineer, he would have been warned that it's not the vaultage that kills you, it's the current.

[GT/CS S Code]

When the driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former toll booth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire toll booth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."