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Friday Joke

Mustanger

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Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
... and for today's chuckle ...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
 

Mustanglvr

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2004
Messages
3,258
Wow, thats got mixed messages. Pretty good! It makes it out that heaven must be very beautiful!
 

Mustanger

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Joined
Mar 17, 2005
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Location
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Thank God it's Friday ...

Mortal: What is a million years like to You?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to You?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second...
 

Mustanger

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Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
Bumper Stickers

"All generalizations are false."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Since I'm an engineer people keep sending me engineer jokes. These are pretty good and, sadly, true!

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You should be an engineer if:
.... choosing to buy flowers for your wife or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
.... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
.... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
.... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
.... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
.... you bought your wife a new CD-RW drive for her birthday.
.... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
.... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
.... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
.... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
.... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
.... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
.... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
.... you see a good design and still have to change it.
.... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
.... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
.... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
.... you window shop at Radio Shack.
.... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
.... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
.... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
.... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
 

Mustanger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
Mosesatm said:
Since I'm an engineer people keep sending me engineer jokes. These are pretty good and, sadly, true!

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You should be an engineer if:
.... choosing to buy flowers for your wife or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
.... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
.... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
.... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
.... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
.... you bought your wife a new CD-RW drive for her birthday.
.... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
.... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
.... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
.... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
.... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
.... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
.... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
.... you see a good design and still have to change it.
.... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
.... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
.... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
.... you window shop at Radio Shack.
.... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
.... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
.... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
.... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Some of those are pretty funny ... kinda reminds me of that computer repair service (for Best Buy?) called "The Geek Squad" ...
 

CougarCJ

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
2,185
Cajun joke

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook some wild pig.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled boar steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled pork filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed to the
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a hog, and you wuz raised a hog, but now you a catfish."
 

Mustanger

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Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
CougarCJ said:
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook some wild pig.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled boar steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled pork filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed to the
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a hog, and you wuz raised a hog, but now you a catfish."

... that's funny, I'll have to share this one ...
 

Mustanger

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Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
I know it's not Friday but ...

A lawyer and an engineer were at a resort in Hawaii, and got to talking at the bar over some drinks.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything I lost."

The engineer replied, "What a coincidence! I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company also paid for everything."

After a brief pause, the puzzled lawyer asked, "Just out of curiosity - how do you start a flood?"
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
It's Friday, it's Friday, it's Friday!!!!!!!

Another attempt at a lame joke.....



Offertory Prayer

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) looked over at her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...
 

CougarCJ

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Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
2,185
jSubject: The Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Next!
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Oh man, TGIF!!!!!!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
 

Mustanger

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
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Haircut before a trip ...

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?" ...
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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There are 2 barbers in a town. One has a great haircut and the other has a terrible hair cut. Which one should you use?
 

joedls

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Joined
Mar 12, 2005
Messages
1,980
Location
Lake Forest, CA
Mosesatm said:
There are 2 barbers in a town. One has a great haircut and the other has a terrible hair cut. Which one should you use?

The one with the terrible haircut, because he cut the hair of the barber with the good haircut.
 

Mustanglvr

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Joined
Dec 4, 2004
Messages
3,258
Arlie, forgive me for asking such a dumb question but.... What does Monty Python have to do with being an engineer?
 

CougarCJ

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Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
2,185
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the
sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too,"
said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third
senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and
the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the
RIGHT
SIDE of the grass!"
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Messages
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Mustanglvr said:
Arlie, forgive me for asking such a dumb question but.... What does Monty Python have to do with being an engineer?
I have no idea. Personally, I'm not a big Monty Python fan. But then, my schooling was in Civil Engineer and Python may be more of an electrical engineer thing. CEs always considered MEs and EEs to be higher on the weirdness scale!:grin:
 
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