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Friday Joke

still looking for one

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Apr 26, 2006
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201
From a Military vehicle collector's site in UK (England)
***
True story,

Constable pulled over a teenage driver for speeding on the Highway, and said to him
"I've been waiting for you ALL DAY!!"

The teenager blurted out "Well I got here as fast as I could!!"

The cop was laughing so hard, he let the guy go without a ticket!!!


I guess if your story is good enough you can get off,

Jim B.
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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Jan 18, 2005
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The Real Reason Dogs Attack People

The Lame Friday Joke for today, June 23, 2006.

Here are pictures of why dogs attack people.

And as a bonus, can you tell which bird is the female and which is the male?
 
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still looking for one

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In light of the heat wave, Let's think some "Winter Thoughts" (From Mercedes Benz forum, 1999)

DEGREES FARENHEIGHT:

60: California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50: Miami residents turn on the heat
45: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40: You can see your breath. California residents shiver uncontrollably
35: Italian cars don't start
32: Water freezes
30: You plan your trip to Australia
25: Ohio water freezes. California residents weep pitiably. Minnesota residents eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
20: Politicians bewgin to talk about the homeless
15: French cars don't start. Cat insists sleeping in the bed with you
10: You need jumper cables to get the car going
5: American cars don't start
0: Alaska residents put on T shirts
--10: German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink
--15: You can cut your breath and build an igloo. Arkansas resients stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
--20: Cat insists on sleeping in pyjamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesota residents shovel snow off the roof
--25: Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going
--30: You plan a 2 week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start
--40: California residents disappear. Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south
--50: Congressional hot air freezes. Alaska residents close the bathroom window. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packers fans order hot cocoa
at the game
AND AT: --90: Lawyers put their hands in their pocket

Keep cool,
Jim
 

Mustanglvr

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Its good the lawyers are putting their hands in their own pockets for a change.

Yep, we Minnesotan`s wear shorts and t-shirts when its 35 degrees. A 20 degree day in the winter is a gift from God. When the sun is shining you can enjoy being outside.
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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First winter in Minneapolis after we moved from Houston in 1993
 
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Mustanglvr

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Yep, I remember 1993. The cold can be kind of a shock to the ol` system to out of staters. I know alot of people that were displaced from hurricane Katrina sure noticed the cold when some of them moved here last winter.
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

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I think I may have posted these on a previous thread but I dont remember for sure. You know, more of the whole second-thing-go-go issue.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.


25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
 

Mustanglvr

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Dec 4, 2004
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LOL, those are very funny Arlie. I was chuckling all the way through it.
 

Diesel Donna

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Dec 22, 2004
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HAHAHAAAAA Arlie, where DO you find these things?

Nani thought it was hysterical too!
 

Mustanger

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Mar 17, 2005
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Location
So Cal
It's Friday ...

IT'S FRIDAY AGAIN ...

Here's a little something my friend sent me:

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
 

Diesel Donna

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Dec 22, 2004
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Do you know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a truck driver's story?

The Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time..."

And the truck driver's story starts with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...."

:grin:
 

still looking for one

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201
Diesel Donna said:
Do you know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a truck driver's story?

The Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time..."

And the truck driver's story starts with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...."

:grin:

Leaning out of cab window and making spitting sound,, GOOD ONE Double D

Jim
 

still looking for one

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A new arrival in Hell was brought before the Devil

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20 pound sledgehammer in 95-degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day the Devil wnt to check on the new arrival. To his disgust he found the man laboring away on the rock pile smiling and singing. The man explained to the Devil that the heat and hard work reminded him of summer days on his farm back in Georgia

The next day the Devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees and 100% humidity. At the end of the day the Devil went to check on the man, only to find him happily sweating and sgtraining at his task. He explained to the Devil that it reminded him of cleaning out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved Georgia farm.

The next day the Devil told his demon to turn down the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the day the Devil, sure the man would be miserable now, went to check on him. But the man was singing louder than ever and twirling the sledgehammer like a baton. When the Devil asked him why he was so happy the man said, "Cold day in Hell, the Falcons must have won the Superbowl"

:grin:

(Could not resist, it was sent by a preacher and found its way to a Mercedes list)

Jim
 

Mustanger

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Little Boys and Big Cars

Since it's Friday again ...

The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home.

That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening.

When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car.

Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge, "A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"
 

Midnight Special

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Grass Valley, California
...Did you hear about the frustrated math teacher who had constipation & couldn't work it out with a pencil?

...Or how'bout the Italian Airways jet that made it's first landing at an airport in the U.S.

Just as the wheels touch the runway - the pilot SLAMS on the brakes & goes full reverse, yet the plane (screeching) still runs off the runway & into the dirt...

As the dust settles, the pilot looks at the copilot & says:
"MommaMeeah, at'sa shortest'a run'away Iv'a ever'a landed'on"

Copilot says: Yeah, but she was'a seven'a miles a'wide!
 
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