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Friday Joke

Mustanger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
This is one smart dog ...

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
 

PonyGal

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2006
Messages
555
Location
Loomis, Ca
Classified Ad Translator

Here is a guide to help you decode the real truth behind those classified car ads.

"What the ad says" - "What it actually means."

· Must sell - Before it blows up.
· Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
· Appraised at $29,000 - By me.
· Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
· Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.
· Must See To Appreciate - It's a mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.
· Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a field exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.
· Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!
· Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.
· Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.
· Convertible - After driving under truck.
· Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.
· Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
· Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
· Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
· California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.
· Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.
· Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.
· Looks Great - In dim light.
· Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.
· Needs Paint - To cover rust.
· New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
· Solid as a rock - Rusted solid
· Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.
· Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.
· Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.
· Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
· Older Restoration - First owner washed & waxed it.
· One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.
· 95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.
· Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.
· Must Sell - Need bail money.
· Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
· Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
· Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
· Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
· Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased & painted to look it.
· Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
· Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
· 4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
· Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.
· Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
· New Tires - Retreads years ago.
· Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.
· Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.
· Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.
· No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.
· Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
· Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
· Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
· Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
· Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
· Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.
· Fully Restored - Nothing original.
· All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
· Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
· Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.
· Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
· Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.
· Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
· Tags ‘Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
· Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
· Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
· Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
· No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.
· Loaded with Options - None of them work.
· Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
· Drive It Away - I live on a hill.
· Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.
· Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.
· Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
· Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.
· Parts Car - Beyond repair.
· Immaculate - Recently washed.
· Concours Condition - Recently waxed.
· 95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.
· Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.
· Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&*# thing goes, or I do!"
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
HI
A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.

If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store. Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated.

Forward this warning to five friends. If you don't have five friends, you're infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Someone out there has way too much spare time!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
 

Mustanger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
Dad will never say ...

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
 

Mustanger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
Problem with a dog ...

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.
 

p51

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 2, 2005
Messages
1,025
Location
NorCal
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Groucho Marx (I think):

"I was on safari in Africa. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas....
.... how he got into my pajamas, I'll never know"
 

CougarCJ

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
2,185
Footmobile?

Out jogging? Bike riding?

outjogging.jpg
 

Mustanger

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2005
Messages
1,974
Location
So Cal
Pictures from Police ...

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.


Apparently, this story has some truth in it:

http://www.snopes.com/autos/law/handcuff.asp
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking; Surely I can’t look that old!”?

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired buy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, why back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1959, why do you ask?”

"You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at my closely.

Then that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, gray, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked, “What did you teach?”
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Texas just announced a new plan in catching those pesky speeders along the interstates that drive GT/CSs!!!!
 
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Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
I thought about that. But I decided that since the people in California drive like bats out of hell (I'm in San Diego today) apparently without any fear of being stopped the decals must be a diversion.

David and Joe don't need to go to a racetrack, they just need to spend a day on the 15 between San Diego and Riverside.

Maybe CALIF GIRL will transfer down to Escondido and make those people fly right!

edit: changed "of" to "on".
 
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Midnight Special

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2005
Messages
3,713
Location
Grass Valley, California
Hahahahaaa! Yeah the 395 in the winter with all the "slope dopes" going to Mammoth.:eek:

...99 south of Bakersfield worked for me last Friday - 'Got nailed for 91 in a 70! I called CALIF GIRL and confessed. She set me straight all right... 'Only took me 6 hrs. to get to LA, but 10 hrs. to get home.....

P.S. I didn't tell Joe about it, cuz I figured he would only try to do it in 5 hrs. while on his way to Mike's BBQ!
 

CougarCJ

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
2,185
New Rules

New Rules For The Way Things Are
List




Improving the world one new rule at a time. . . .

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad
for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of
the basketball team is doing these
days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastiges.

New Rule : If you need to shave and
you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as
flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshat.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash
back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
butt . And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.
You're just under the influence.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing that--It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega
M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the
other show.

New Rule : No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having
other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white collar version
of looting.

New Rule : No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
my hands.

New Rule : When I ask how old your
toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care
in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible
adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
 
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