• Welcome to the CaliforniaSpecial.com forums! - You are currently viewing the forums as a GUEST. To take advantage of all our site features, please take a moment to join our community! It's fast, simple and absolutely free.

    If you have problems registering or can't log into your account, please contact Admin.

    Please Note: If you are an existing member and your password no longer works, click here to reset it.

Friday Joke

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Since it's Friday I think we need a joke or two. Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
 

TheBlkPearl

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2005
Messages
153
Location
Boise
Thought for the day

Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or ride in a car with the Kennedys driving?
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
What dogs? Just a picture of my assistant.
 
Last edited:

rvrtrash

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2003
Messages
3,649
still looking for one said:
Let's cross that bridge when we come to it :wink:

(Ducking and running)

And swimming? :grin:

Steve
 

p51

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 2, 2005
Messages
1,025
Location
NorCal
Mosesatm said:
Since it's Friday I think we need a joke or two. Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Now *that* was fall-off-your-seat funny :smile:

Both Dubya and Teddy are different only in that they fell off of different branches of the stupid tree...
 

Perkchiro

Well-known member
Joined
May 1, 2004
Messages
1,112
Location
Nixa, MO
Wasn't it Teddy K. that responded to the query about "Roe vs Wade" with "I'd rather travel by yacht"?
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Uh oh, it's Friday.

If no one posts a joke soon I'll be forced to dig deep into my lame-joke archives and dust one off.
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Ok, you've given me no other choice!

Have you heard that the bird flu has already made a huge impact on Florida?

Check out the attached picture, but be warned that the image is more than a little disturbing.
 
Last edited:
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Someone just sent me some pictures that are both hilarious and slightly disturbing.
 
Last edited:

joedls

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 12, 2005
Messages
1,980
Location
Lake Forest, CA
Arlie,

You were beginning to worry me with the previous posting, but you have redeemed yourself with this one.
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
Took a day off work to run errands. One of which was picking up the axles from the shop that pressed on the wheel bearings.

Please don't neglect your rear wheel bearings!!!! $50 bucks for the bearings and $40 to get them pressed onto the axles. Money well spent. Wheel bearings and timing chains are the forgotten gremlins.

I was hoping someone would fill in and save all of you from another lame joke, and lo and behold Mustanger stepped up and you all thought he saved you from the lame joke of the week!!! Ha, Mustanger knows not to mess with the king when it comes to lame jokes so he gave us a game instead. Shrewd move, but not shrewd enough!

Ok, lame joke of the week for you computer people.


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 &4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
 
OP
OP
Mosesatm

Mosesatm

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
9,003
No lame joke this week, (Rhonda took care of that on another thread) just advice from Dave Barry. I think we can all relate to #3 and the ladies may appreciate #14.


14 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Never lick a steak knife.

7. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

10. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

12. Your friends love you anyway.

13. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

14. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
 
Top